Transcript
In our previous discussion we talked about how stress and anxiety can arise through our thoughts. Today I’ll touch on a concept not too far removed from stress and anxiety-causing thoughts – which is trying to please others.
This is not only an extremely common thing that humans do, the thoughts around it are also a source of great stress and anxiety to a lot of people.
We’ll first look at what gives rise to us trying to please others, and then we’ll consider what we can do to soften it.
For most this comes about as a combination of conditioning and not being in tune with who they truly are.
We are shown from a very young age by people around us, some who were well-meaning, that their happiness is dependent on the conditions around them. Just think about how often you would see a parent or other authority-figure in your life show to you how your behaviour or the behaviour of someone else would cause them to feel a certain way.
So if they were displeased by your behaviour, they would display that to you. Similarly, you may have picked up that approval and kindness were shown to you when you acted in accordance with what the other person wanted or expected from you. And that of course is how the majority of human interactions go.
Unfortunately most people never get to see the other side of the coin where people are mostly aligned, and therefore take control of and responsibility for how they feel. So the most common example shown to you is that how you feel is determined by the behaviours of others, or the circumstances around you. And it normally follows a narrative that if you can sufficiently change the outside world, your innerworld will be joyful and at peace.
In this case you may then try and and manipulate the behaviours of others so that they would act in ways which will make you feel better. For example, you may decide to stay in a job that you do not want, because it is highly regarded by your family, which means they will not show disapproval. Or you may push yourself into uncomfortable levels of debt to a buy a car that you think will gain you others’ respect. In essence, you may do things to your own detriment if it means that someone else will show you appreciation or respect.
There is a phenomenon that pairs of moving pendulums can become synchronized, first observed by the Dutch scientist Christiaan Huygens back in the 17th century. Huygens referred to this phenomenon as “the sympathy of two clocks”.
In a similar way, we sync up with what we give our attention to most, which can include people and circumstances. What people don’t always realise is that if you subject yourself primarily to the influence of others, then you are at the mercy of their state of alignment most of the time. So if you sync up with the things around you, and someone that you’re going to interact with got out on the wrong side of the bed, then your own state of alignment moves in the direction of theirs, and since this is then your new observation point, now you radiate this level of alignment, which others can sync to as well. It’s a very fragile system! This shows how a group of people can all end up pretty much feeling the same way.
However, when you become reacquainted with your inner-peace, then you step into your wholeness and the need for external validation dissipates, because when you feel whole there is no perceived lack to try and compensate for. Then how others feel about you does not matter.
The majority of the world tunes into the conditions and people around them, and therefore tries to change these so that they can feel better. But you can choose to syncronise with your inner-peace, which is stable, dependable and everlasting. That is how you build your house on a rock and not on the sand. The questions is which influence do you choose to be under predominantly? What do you sync to?
As a final thought, some may think that not having your primary focus being to please others means that you are cold-hearted, or selfish and that you do not want to help others, but I assure you that coming from that place of wholeness, and who you truly are, you act out of pure love with which you can help others so much more. And it feels completely different to assist others from a place of empowerment than doing things for others from a place of insecurity or fear, and trying to manipulate their behaviour.
Until next time, take care, and remember to be kind to yourself.